A love letter to those I might not like
For such an idyllic phenomenon that we meditate on, write novels and make movies about — it’s so imperfect, isn’t it?
I have to say — I want to be able to love everyone
…even the people I don’t naturally like.
We all meet people that we don’t really vibe with and sometimes that’s a tidy little euphemism.
But I’ve come up with a thinking technique to overcome this problem because nothing feels as corrosive to me as when I’ve taken a bitter outlook toward another human being.
If I find myself uttering the expression “I hate…” and it’s directed at anything other than a restaurant or T.V. show — I can feel it eating away at something fundamental inside.
The Method
Admittedly, these cognitive processes that I try and exercise are challenging.
They are by no means automatic or intuitive in the situations where I need them but when I remember to use them, they seem to soothe the psyche.
1.) The belief
In general, I try to stay as far away from beliefs as possible.
I’ll leave my reasons for this unsaid for now and save that for another post.
But this is one belief that I’m comfortable with because of its inclusivity —
All of existence is one phenomenon and perceived “differences” are only very superficial
Simple.
That’s it.
2.) The application
When I’m seeing another person, I’m seeing myself.
If I’m loving someone, I’m also loving myself.
If I’m hating someone, I’m also hating myself.
And we’ve all heard this before — that when we’re disgusted with some trait in another person, it’s because we have some of that same trait in our self.
Well, I think the opposite is also true. When I see something I love in someone else, I’m seeing some part of me that I also love.
So the goal is to keep this top-of-mind wherever possible.
It’s Unbelievably Difficult to Pull Off
It really is.
But I’m getting better at it each day.
Sometimes it can feel so natural to instantly judge another person.
To evaluate and discard in one swift, barbaric and self-righteous movement.
Suddenly I feel better about who I am because I’ve classified you as less than me.
But I need to never get swept up in the delusion that anyone is more valid than anyone else.
When I think it through, every person is the precise logical outcome of their genetics being influenced by their environment.
In other words, if I were that person and was raised in their shoes — I would be exactly who they are and have made the same choices.
And this isn’t any nonsense about free will vs. fate — let’s leave that for another time.
Even Idyllic Love is Hard
It is.
Even loving someone that you already really, really like can be challenging to maintain.
And that makes sense…
People change.
People get bored.
But I have the stamina for it now.
It took time to develop, but I think I’m now there.
I can love you.
If there are things about you that I don’t enjoy, I’ll remember how inconsequentially tiny they actually are and please extend the same kindness to me.
And if we find so much commonality and pleasure in our differences, we can have that rare circumstance where we might want to share a section of life together.
And if we evolve and you need to get away, then go.
And if I need to get away then be okay with me leaving.
But whatever we do, let’s not pretend that at our deepest level — we’re different.
